It’s been dangerous living as I have. Thanks to an unknown, unnamed foe, the appetite and thirst for permanence shifted toward reality while my appetite and thirst for nutrition diminished to nothingness. Freedom has had its toll, and the expenses to my love are reverberating within the chasm ripped by simple words. None of this would have occurred if I had held myself at bay, pushed myself into a state of emotionless living where the feelings toward another wouldn’t have surmounted to so much.
Unfortunately, that’s not in the plans for me. My new years resolution is still in effect, and I hope to continue resolving my life in conjunction with this resolution. I am unabashedly, uninhibitedly only ever telling the truth, always being honest about everything. No hidden subtleties. No smoke and mirrors. Just what is. Why is this poignant to what has happened? I can’t lie to myself either, that’s part of the condition; and due to this, I had to acknowledge that I had fallen deeply, madly, and completely in love with someone wonderful. I fell in love when I wasn’t ready, when I hadn’t dealt with the undeniable consequences of the sundering of my last relationship. Love came to me, took me as a fool and transformed me into something else: a wanderer, a believer, a desirer...
And it broke me. Honestly, it didn’t break me anymore than I was already broken. My eyes were opened fully and I saw into myself. The cracks and chips of my heart hadn’t grown back together. They were walled away in a corner of love to be dealt with at some unforeseen point, walled away by a dam which took my tears and made a lake, all hidden from myself in direct contradiction to my resolution. Only fallacies surface when explaining my actions to myself: “I had to be strong for him”, “I broke up with him so I had to be ok”, or even “I’ll heal in time.”
But truthfully, my love will never be the same. In honor of being a true Pisces, I fell in love with a beauty, an inspiration, a muse so quickly and thoroughly it was like misting over the past with fickle elation. And when this love’s ex-love came back into the picture with his silver tongue and shaded tales of their past, the world around us shifted. He shifted; because his heart told the truth neither of us wanted to know.
Love’s permanence echoed like a drumming noise rooted deep within the chest for the first love that rips us to shreds. He is still in the throws of such aching and won’t let me in to help mend what I can. My contentment with this decision, this truth, this undeniable fear of possible dissolution in the future comes on the edge of a treacherous knife. When his words of friendship labeled the actions we committed together... the edge broke the dam. He has no idea the good he has done for me; and I’m not entirely sure he will ever know.
What I realized as I drowned in my own past is that I left my last relationship because I wasn’t myself. Neither one of us truly was. Due to that, I didn’t feel love. Once freed of the constraints I placed on myself within the regulations of that relationship, my eye, my heart, and my soul began expanding beyond the borders of comfortability to find its true potential. I was, and am, looking for love; and specifically someone to truly, deeply, unabashedly, uninhibitedly love me. Whom I can love in return without fear of being myself or doing what I want to do or saying what I want to say. The idea of filtering everything, anything, something at all pushes me so deeply away from happiness that I know I will never filter again. I also realized I broke my own heart when I broke my boyfriend’s heart, and I realized how deeply I had done that.
As I piece together myself, I’m smiling again. Losing ten pounds in a week, loving and losing without a cause, drowning and coming to enlightenment... it’s all fantastic and unbelievable. I feel like a new person again. I feel like the reasons for my steps along this Road are coming to a point I strive for. “Love come light up the shadows.”
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