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J Hart F

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Living in Limbo

Living in Limbo, it looks like home. You've done what you can, said what was needed, acted how society prescribes... and still the lack emerges where desire should persist. Waiting in a relentless existence stagnant with itself numbs hope and forces it into residing somewhere beyond reach. After any duration like this, the individual begins to change. First goes hope. Then goes the drive, followed by intuition, then fear, until finally the personality begins to erase its self. Then, if one limbo is left behind, it's possible the individual merely steps into yet another limbo... because it's comfortable.

This is what happened to me, though I didn't realize it until listening to a constant background readily present in the mall. I'm in limbo, driving myself lower on the totem of strength, losing a sense of hope that what I want will come to fruition. My drive to push has disappeared, or rather merely diminished, and my intuition on things has evaporated. I'm watching the fear of being stuck simply walk away. Next to be sacrificed is certainly myself, succumbing to this rhythm, undesirable as it is. What's worse is that the last place I called important turned into a limbo which ate away at my personality! It manifested full circle until I fell into yet another line, but I fell straight into the first stages of limbo.

I have to escape. I need to find a ladder leading to something new, different, and exciting that I can pour my enthusiasm and strengths into! A new world away from cheap background music and emotionless answers and unreliable expectations. My search for such a hope is trickling feebly, unfortunately; and the only driving force is negativity hounding with threats of separation which hardly encourages pride or reassurance. Fire must be lit from inside. It must be forged in limbo, in waiting, in nothingness as aspiration is concerned.

The most bothersome aspect, which pains the very thought processes, is how comfortable limbo has become. It looks like home while the forces around me continue on. Living in limbo... I have to rise above it.

1 comment:

  1. You will rise above it. I promise!
    But first you have to get off your ass. The world doesn't want to change for you, you have to make it and no one will do that for you. Partly because no one knows what will make you happy except you.

    That being said - I'll bet you have an army of people who will help you out of limbo if its the last thing they do.

    How can I help you, Josheleh? (You'd better come up with SOMETHING or I will slap you in public)