How Sure of the Verse

The soft existence of silent nights sweeps calmly down the effervescent cloudless sky, reaching idly for a waiting soul. It cares not for the temperament of drifting snow or bitter winds; however chilled the heart may feel without the warmth of sunlight's guiding love, this livelihood charges ahead with a sweet remorse dampened with inner fire. To act on the imperceptible symbols prevailing throughout the Verse, visible peripherally, striking like butterfly wings, shouting like loving whispers over the shoulder, is to realize deja vu's premonitions as truth and fate.

Then only time remains as the moving factor of destiny's admittance to the foreground of reality. No happenstance of imagination changes the undulating form love takes in a lifespan. If ever the waves cease, the floor becomes an unbearable hardening foothold to the wanton play within the relationship of darkened moods, hidden feelings, and mistrusted insecurities. Such amounts of harsh winds shake the crust bearing the weight of undeserved, loveless, distant touches through eyes pierced with truisms.

Love is what the heart knows.

Love is selflessness.

Love is undeniable.

What of it then? What of love is challenged when the night's sky gleams without stars, hidden away from the moon's eye, broken apart from the sun's brilliant glow? The black fidelity permeating sight beyond misunderstanding is a slate untouched by Light. A starting point, no longer considered death, destruction, doom, despair... A stepping stone imprinted with unaccustomed awareness to the finality of changing emotions. Black is not the bearer of moods known only to the mourning. Let the darkened arena grow again with lush attitude and brilliant vivacity; wherever truth reigns in golden halls and delicate ornament.

Change is but the better part of seasons where chapters are written as a cyclical permanence. The next question is of the topic within the next chapter. Does it continue as before? Or does it rise again with creative endeavors only the Verse knows?

Will my hand turn that page and read ever on and on?

Coming to an End

As this Road goes ever on, the shades of light pale to darkness as the wandering vision claims the surfaces of my life. The cards turn, the moon rises, the stars shine in the canvas of imagination; yet I am stuck among the currents of invisible strings pulled by the Crone. I may fly, I may swim, I may build, I may burn... But I do not revert to the state of preexistence within the limitations of the Earth. Here under the skies of luminous powers insignificance steals away my heart. With little hands circling the face, and sands falling to their final resting place, I fear the undying dreams will escape my grasp if I deny the rush of life. Admitting the touch of Her arms as an undeniable end to the Road is but an inescapable truth to the circumstances of this world, and the shadows are but her foreshadowing of the eternal night. So why waste the moments counting the grain as it passes through the eye to the impossible heap? Action, reaction, determination: bounds leapt in single strides with the courage of the Sun and the peace of the Moon.

Why aren't my feet taking these trodden steps of inevitability when my heart sees the indisputable verity of written words?

Days and Nights Alone

I feel alone...

Yet, I know this very statement is inaccurate. I am an integral part of a large network of friends and family whose whims shift in minuscule moments in order to accommodate the ones they love and ensure secured levels of happiness. By saying "I feel alone" doesn't mean I am unhappy in anyway... necessarily. There are moments when being alone, feeling alone, and acting alone is part of a joyous instance where my ambitions are the only concern in my life. Reality usually disturbs these blissful junctures. Furthermore, the feeling of loneliness surpasses the earthly experience and penetrates deep into my spiritual and ethereal existence. I know this is absurd because the Powers that Be are ever with us. I have felt a guiding hand, and I feel its presence is constantly providing examples of the path I am currently traveling. As of right  now... Three specific instances surfaced within the past two days with such clarity and poignant relevance that I truly understand the conditions the Powers that Be work within.

This has undoubtedly led me to examine where my loneliness comes from. It is not the house I've been in for the past week, with its dark corners and quiet whispers tantalizing my senses and shifting my schedule on many different levels. It's not due to the holidays because I have plenty of friends and family to surround me. It certainly isn't the lack of relationship, though the slight amount of time is unfortunately making it harder to solidify emotions.

My loneliness comes from revelations about my identity. Very few people even know about these ideas I'm struggling with. They are concepts encircling personality, heritage, ambitions, and desires. Basically, these ideas are about who I am, where I come from, who and what I want to be, and what I truly desire. I feel like every portion discussed herein has shifted on some level; therefore making me a different person than I was a few months ago. I can even pinpoint the defining moment which started the transference. It happened during an emotional discussion about ethnicity where I realized I am a highly specialized demographic which is neglected because it doesn't fit into the stereotypical ideology of the Hispanic culture, which has a multifaceted array of subcultures. Identity shifts seem to have the staggering effect of making someone feel alone.

I know I'm not alone, but this doesn't address my internal struggle. I'm fighting to be me. I'm fighting to be who I was. I'm admitting that I'm not who I thought I was, and seeing that I'm not on the path to where I thought I would be. I feel selfish. I feel insecure (which is an oddity). I lack motivation to change and fear remaining in the comfort of an outdated identity. Thus I write.

Perhaps the time has truly come for me to find the Road that goes ever on and on, and leave this door behind. Seek mountains. Find the beauty of life again from within myself. What's the worse that could happen? I'd end up back where I started? I'm already there...

The Christmas Spirit

Sing to me in tunes abound
of love where hearts are lost, not found,
And merry ways besmirch a frown
tries so hard to life from down --

Hark, no angel comes tonight!
The sodden dripping of tears' flight
to ground below a treacherous sigh
speaks only of illusioned high.

Truth beguiles the loneli-less heart.
It softly begs for winds to part
those whose dreams are well and far
below the circumstantial par.

At eves of joyous giving:
Expectations dash hopeful living,
the bulges concur over thin.
Despised likeness grow within.

All I want is truth alone
which cannot be dispensed on phone
before or after jealous days
when gaiety presents a haze.

This heart has shattered far within
and feels about to commit a sin:
the words of truth that must be told
will break another from this mold.

The Great Question.

The Goddess Cher, as there are many goddesses, asked me today: "Do you believe in life after love?"

I said yes...

Now what?

The Changed Earth (Part 15)

Ethan stood shivering in the fog, unwilling to warm himself despite his obvious ability. This night wasn't the night for comfort. Winter was due to settle in; and even with the persistent clouds the temperature was getting noticeably cooler. The change was invigorating! Gaia and Her seasons signified life, rebirth; and though the nuclear winter grew ominously chill in everyone's hearts, the cold of true winter made Ethan hope the signs he saw everywhere were true. With the presence of Gaia permanently imbued in his body, Ethan understood the vast history of improbability experienced on Earth.

However, Ethan's discomfort wasn't worry over the survival of his home. this night, soaked in silent reverie, was a rare celestial alignment, the same one present at Ethan's birth. He may not be able to see it, but he felt it coming. A different power radiated from the stars beyond the gray barrier outside the protective sphere, and the combination of the planets in this cadence harmonized with Ethan and his bloodline. This caused the unease and rather than enjoy the secure warmth of the village between the mountains, looking out over hills of green grass and jubilant trees, he needed a quiet, cold place to keep him on his guard. Familial ties ran deeper than the inherent differences between the Sun and Earth. With these ties Ethan understood what Charles felt in the cosmos since his power so undifferentiated itself with that of the Sun. Every major fluctuation in gravitation due to spatial anomalies and coincidences, such as the celestial alignment which was already imprinted in his blood, would flare as signals of power and possibility.

Ethan feared Charles would use this night to his own benefit.

The fog danced and swirled mystically just beyond Ethan's reach. Its subtle sting wisped across his cheek and neck. Every exhalation blended into the gray mists and disappeared into a unity only the air provided with itself. Ethan stood at the boundary between protected atmosphere and toxic fumes. It was hard for him to believe, on a scientific level, how such a malleable structure could transform impurity into amicable substances. Yet, his very existence and survival depended on that magical shield, a magical shield he felt and understood on a more explicit manner than any scientific reasoning could derive. There, at the boundary between the two worlds, Ethan stood in the midst of beautiful fog transform into deadly fog and back again.

Charles' face appeared in the fog for a split second. His blond hair shimmered red and his eyes were black as coal with lines of red magma radiating from the iris. His skin shown beautifully, as radiant as the pure brightness of the sun. The image sparked for a second, revealing the self-assured smile before it vanished behind another billowing of fog.

It took but a mere second to protect himself. Ethan's charms were whispered in his mindscape faster than his body could ever hope to manifest the same conjurations. And in that second, Charles appeared within the protective shield, mere meters away from Ethan.

Neither spoke. There eyes said enough.

Ethan waited for a long while, his body on the verge of battle while his mind reached out silently into the air. His breathing had nearly stopped, slowing to a smooth, trancelike rhythm.

Charles broke the silence. His voice had transformed since their battle. It sounded more pure, powerful, and warm. Ethan knew better. "I've found you, my brother."

"I'm sure it has taken much of your time."

"Indeed. Happy Birthday, Diodoros."

Ethan's spine shivered. "It is not my Birthday."

His smile made the air feel like morning. "Ah, but on such grand cosmic terms, a year is but a second; while the transition and movements of the universe take much longer to replicate the same patterns on wide scales. Why should today not be your Birthday?"

"What is it you came here for, Charles."

"Is it too much to simply desire wishing you a pleasant celebration of such a rare event as your third Birthday?" His laugh felt dry and cracked. Charles looked down at the ground where his feet were starting to char the earth. "Hmm... A hazard of my essence, unfortunately. You'll have to fix this once I've gone."

"Why are you here?"

All of Charles' agreeability disappeared in an instant. "To let you know this isn't over. It may have taken me this long to find you, but next time... I may not be alone. You see... I've learned a lot in the past months. There has always been so much more than what dad taught us. There's so much more that you still need to learn." His foot moved, shoulders relaxed, hands clasped themselves behind his back.

Ethan remained watchful, patient, silent.

"Since it's your Birthday and all... I'd like to give you one more chance to come join me. You don't even have to bring me a sacrifice to prove your... loyalty..." Charles paused as he paced the silence. "I think... Yes, I think I will be sad once I've killed you. I don't want to have to deal with that..."

"What an imposition."

Charles smiled wryly. "Yes. It would seem to be so. Well... I shall leave you, peaceably this time. The offer stands until I find you guys again, at which time..."

He didn't even turn to offer his face. No smile, nor eye contact, gave warning of his departure. A flash of light so brilliant shot through the air, ripping apart the shield near Ethan. Noxious fumes began to fall, no longer held back by the near-invisible barrier. With quick reflexes, even without the use of his eyes, Ethan felt out with his energy and reconstructed the forcefield before too much of the invasive toxins could pass into the delicate atmosphere. What did find its way through went straight for Ethan.

He couldn't see the burning air, but he felt it enter his lungs. He coughed for a short while, unaware of the running footsteps rushing across the hills.

"Elder Adair!" Nick yelled out. "Are you alright? Elder Adair?"

Between coughs, "I'm fine. Thank you."

"What happened?" Alexis asked a little too impatiently.

As Ethan recovered, he managed to sit down and relax slightly while probing his chest to make sure the fumes hadn't permanently damaged his old body. "Charles Sadhin has found us. We need to be ready to leave by nightfall. He may not even give us that long so we must be ready to defend ourselves."

"Well... that took him long enough. He must have had a stroke of luck finding us after all this time." Alexis stood up and made to go back.

Ethan shook his head. "It was no stroke of luck. I knew he would take advantage of tonight."

"What's tonight?" Nick asked.

Alexis losed her eyes and turned around. "It's the alignment of all the planets. You told me about this the last time it happened. You were able to locate Charles back then and discovered he was living in South America at the time... I should have remembered."

Nick looked between them. "Is that how he found you?"

Ethan nodded. "And I fear the alignment's power isn't even at its fullest yet. I will have to remain here until it is completely over." He looked directly at Alexis even though she wasn't looking anywhere on the corporeal realm. "You will need to protect everyone, lead them in my stead. Antoni should go, but I'll understand if he wishes to stay and fight. I have a feeling he'll do no less than work to protect me."

"I'm staying too."

"I can't make you leave, after all. You are trained now. There is little else I can teach you that isn't best learned through experience."

Alexis opened her eyes. "Antoni and the others are waking the village. We'll be ready before sunset and well on our way to the next location. I trust you'll be able to find us."

"Of course. Gaia will guide me."

((To Chad. Thank you.))

Forest of Mending Via Dolorosa

Revelations pouring through tears unveil the clouded center of my heart. These thoughts travel, ticking like Time's persistent hands which guide inevitability to its indeterminate resolutions, and beckon rain amongst the myriad of trees wrapping through sodden visions. Leaves whip past my cheek, stinging as they opened my skin to administer the tears upon the wounds bound in my blood. Step by step I'm drawn, through the branches clinging to my clothes, toward a glade with perfect views to the skies above where truth must reign in some fashion to our kind. I can feel Time: careless, relentless, brutal, honest. It suffocates me through this journey. It tells me of myself, where truth stings love even as I fight to rectify the balance of the woods. It tells me the darkness is closing the past, forcing me to acknowledge the undeniable light of the sun --

-- And I step into the glade, immediately looking to the heavens, ignoring the seams of blood stinging in the cool breeze. She looks down upon me, bright among the stars guiding my intuition. The whispers She says are gentle and warm, despite the biting air, and I hear them clearly as if spoken by my ear from over my shoulder. The path of Change goes ever On and On. Stagnation and the Comfort therein are folly. My heart pounds painfully, catching my breath as more tears crest my eyelids. The words are tonic to the confusion shading the paths leading away from the glade and they open to reveal similar ends:

The Wall.

It stands there with proud vigor: treacherous, dismaying, deathly. There's no way to climb over it without injury to the soul. Thorns upon thorns mar every handhold and the voice of challenge blasts downward from the extreme heights. This is where the path has led me, and I fear what remains on the other side even with Her blessings and encouragement. Challenge has stopped me dead in my tracks, just on the outskirts of my forest facing a barrier of ultimate decisions. Move onward and I change forever. Stay in the wood and comfort consumes me with the intensity of boredom. It's so plain what must be done. And yet I cannot bring myself to take the appropriate measures.

Alas, my continuation is stagnant for the moments. Herein is my heart. crackling with the truth which desires the sky.

The Dancing Lights of Christmas

The dancing lights wave in the dark breeze of a winters eve. They wink in jubilant defiance of the thrashing branches as they cling desperately to their charge’s desire. Though the light shines in happiness, symbolizing the hope and love that saviors’ exude for their people, all I can see is the irony of harsh winds bending branches in chaotic rhythms on a seemingly beautiful tree. It’s Christmas, after all, and I can’t help equating my own juxtaposed religious views with the light’s torment. Yet, it’s beautiful to watch them dance in the dark.

Dear Josh

Dear Josh;

Is it not clear what’s going on? It’s almost like an identity within moments conceived of simple desires and jealous regulations bewildering the want to break away from the molds cast inside unbelievably delicate emotions. You there as I am here. We are but together and distant. Simple words are sheltering what we truly believe in a hope for simple minded queries toward each other. When will one or the other of us ask that simple question or offer that initial gesture? Fortunately I believe it will be myself to myself, an odd perception of what happens in a moment before action. As much as I desire I fear what I may offer and what it could determine between myself and you. Yet I wonder if we are but one and the same, our glances and smiles and words are so similar and that’s the reason behind such delay in acquaintance with the Moment. For a timid introduction must begin with myself and move outward in a cyclical manner in hopes you’ll question the most important possibility. Then, perhaps, pure honesty can avail. Only “perhaps” because I fear telling all truths behind my own facade, as I fear the truths you’ll divulge in return. That’s part of the fun, the mystery in your eyes, my eyes, our breaths and motions; how we play it cool like nothing really descends beyond greetings. How shallow we have been with each other, and yet I want so much more! I want the truth, the reality behind the imagination played out in my head of a future indeterminately, infinitesimally, chaotically bright. And thus I welcome you into life, into this realm of outright acceptance and beleaguered love, however they have form and function between us. A new chapter in this book has undeniably opened and I love adventures written upon the white. Are we a stain upon that page? Let’s hope the words take us where we desire.

In hopeful discourse,

Josh

Determining The Heart's Muse

Stepping lightly by cloudy airs
the whiteness falls to certain doom
like glancing eyes with shadowed sights
on beauty desired beyond the right;
With kingly rule of determined heirs
no spade of hearts controls the room
where sunny laughs brighten eyes
beyond the shelter of known lies.

But the blanket seems gentle enough
where snow's falling grace's cease
to cover what is believed in love
where clarity did fail to shove
a delicate heart firmly in the rough
to a peaceful land with understanding ease
that answered the benign quest
of heartaches' undifferentiable jest.

Takes Two to Talk

“Hello Julia.”

“Good morning Mo! How was your night last night?”

“All and well. Yours?”

“Oh, you know. Boring, nothing to do…I love your hair. You should wear it down more often.”

“Thank you. It’s getting long though. That’s why I wear it up all the time.”

“Oh! Don’t. It’s so nice… Ok then… How’s your husband? Still not understanding?”

“Yes! He sees this as a curse, not a blessing of trust and honor. I truly don’t think he’ll ever understand. To him, I’m just putting all of my love thought time… energy… everything to our task here. I think he’s thinking about leaving me.”

“Oh my god! I’m so sorry… Is there anything I can do?”

“No, but thank you.”

“So you guy shad another fight last night, huh?”

“Uh-huh. I’m just glad the kids were out… How’s your fiancée?”

“Heh… You know. Still the same. Moody, upset, angry. Pretty similar to your husband actually.”

“Still doesn’t appreciate what he has, does he?”

“I wouldn’t say th-“

“Come now, Julia.”

“…Ok, I guess you could say that. I wouldn’t… I don’t know. I love him, he loves me…yet I feel like he doesn’t understand me, my commitments, my desires. He’s trying to make me into who he feels I should be.”

“He’s always been doing that, Julia. You need to realize that fully and truly. Make a change and do it for you. Stop putting him before you.”

“…Look at the sunrise. Gah- it’s beautiful today. I love that color of red, so deep and bright, and with the sky behind it; blue as sapphire and bright with the streaks from the sun. Don’t you think its gorgeous?”

“It’s ok. It seems so similar to all the others. Sunrises never seem special to me. Besides, we’ve seen several thousand at this point.”

“But they can be magnificent and elegant just like this one! It has just the right amount of clouds, capturing the light of the sun and reflecting it back to the earth. People are inspired by dawns like this one, they just aren’t awake for them.”

“That’s one thing I miss, sleeping in. I forgot what that was like. Well, no time to waste, shall we get started?”

“I suppose we should. You never know what’s going to happen to the Dam.”

“Just hope we don’t have an incident like a few years ago when the Tartarusians attacked us shortly after sunrise.”

“They almost brok the Dam. That was the closest anyone ever came to releasing the waters of Thanatos.”

“Yep.”

“He-heh. At least we know to expect attacks early in the morning now. They use to only come at night.”

“Things were easier back then … The ground here is really soft.”

“Look, the grass is dying too. Don’t want the waters getting out. Come on!”

“Hey… I’ve been wondering, for a while, why were we picked to do this?”

“Look, there’s a break.”

“I mean… out of everyone who has ever lived, why were we chosen? So many people might be better at this than us.”

“Some of the ground must have slipped into the water. Put your hand there.”

“What if we wanted to do something else? Right here?”

“Yeah.”

“Mo, are you listening?”

“Yeah. Just a sec… There. All better. The sun should dry what little water got out. The grass will grow again. What was the question again?”

“Why us?”

“Because they knew we would hold to our promise. We know commitment because we know how important our word is.”

“I never really gave my word. I accepted that this was where I was needed to help out, and went with it. I didn’t feel like I had much choice.”

“You had a choice, just like I had one.”

“Are you sure?”

“… Of course. I wouldn’t still be here if I hadn’t had the choice to do this. Besides, it’s an honor to guard the waters of Thanatos and its Dam… You’ve been listening to your fiancée too much!”

“No. I haven’t.”

“Well, you sound like my husband.”

“What was that?”

“…I don’t know. Which way was it?”

“Don’t know. I’ll go this way and check it out.”

“I’ll go this way.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“There you are! I was starting to get worried. Did you find anything? You look alright at least.”

“Yeah. It was a lost child. Couldn’t find his way… Hohh- had to show him the way off the Dam… He got pretty close to the water.”

“Wonder how it got in?”

“Lets hope he doesn’t do that again. His eyes were glued to the water. It was weird, as if he knew what the water did and couldn’t stop himself from going into ti. Glad I got there when I did.”

“I found another dead spot of grass, and a tree that appears to have sucked up a lot of the waters that seeped into the grass.”

“Oh… How far down?”

“About half way, not too far. Lets go.”

“…I wonder if there were any before us.”

“There must have been. But we only have to worry about us… Why are you being so speculative today? It’s not like you.”

“Just been thinking a lot. I’ve been wondering if I’ll ever get to do what I want to do.”

“But you wanted to help here.”

“You know what I mean. My dreams, aspirations. I don’t want to be on the Dam of Life forever. I want to make a difference.”

“This is making a difference! Since we’ve been here, there hasn’t been a break-out of plague or mass deaths. We’re making a huge difference!”

“It’s not the sort of difference I want to make. Don’t get me wrong, saving lives is great and all…but look at what that has done. More people creating more problems, all the while polluting and pretending there’s no practical way to prevent the damage they wreak. Soon, there’ll be too many leaks to stop and the whole dam will lose its life. This green will turn to grey, and eventually white, and the world will be cold as death.”

“Here’s the Tree.”

“Look at it. The bark is already turning grey. The change is happening so fast sometimes!”

“Stop it! Stop being so gloomy. It’s still a beautiful day, and we have a task here to do. Put your hand here real quick and I’ll fix the leak.”

“…”

“…”

“There, that should hold for now.”

“Oh, come now… Look at you… Do you think you, of all the people left in the world, can make a difference on that scale?”

“You’ve seen the affect of the leak here. One stream of the water and the whole of that tree withered. And but two people fixed the issue, and now there’s hope… Yes, hope…that this spot of land will survive.”

“How do you intend to do this?”

“I’ve had dreams. We’ve talked about them before. Don’t you remember?”

“Those clouds are very beautiful now. So full and light. Look how they float above everything else… A little high for my taste.”

“You have always been a dear friend to me.”

“And so much more we might’ve been.”

“Shall we go this way now? Both ends have been explored.”

“Jules… What? I know you prefer it to Julia. Don’t look at me like that… Besides you still need to make sure the Gods aren’t worried about what you want.”

“Thank you, Mo.”

“Where will you go first? I mean…what will you do first?”

“Go back to school. I have to catch up with the times. Look-“

“-another spot.”

“…I’m sure you’ll do fine. You’ve always had so much ingenuity about you. And you do keep up with the world. Perhaps you will make the difference you want… you need… we need.”

“Hopefully it’ll make a difference here too, and you’ll have it so easy.”

“Yeah…”

“Then again…it may not make any difference at all. Heh- how funny that would be.”

“It could be time for the Dam of Life to survive on its own.”

“Then your honor and commitment would be fulfilled.”

“Someone’s coming.”

“I think They’re coming.”

“…Heh- good luck, Jules.”

“…Thank you, Margot… Find your dream and happiness for me.”

“I’ll try. Go, talk to Them. It’s almost evening. I can handle the Dam myself the rest of this day. Go… go already!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hello Julia!”

“Good morning Mo! How have you been? It’s been so long.”

“Good. I’ve been very good… You’ve aged.”

“Yes. Away from the Grace of the Gods, time catches up with you. What are you doing out here?”

“Searching…”

“…For what?”

“…My sunrise…”

Sinusoidal Love

Oscillation deepens and arises without expectations, in resonance with the unbelievable and indeterminate existence of love. A continuous smiling, frowning, slanting, curving, transient deliverance of emotional instability within the ever-periodical complications of the equilibrium between the constant resonance frequencies of two components. The worry is of damping, of constantly diminishing ‘til the static-existent equipoise allows new sources of oscillation to appear away, apart, and against the original functioning love. This is desired, wanted, needed in order for fulfillment in life; love’s exponential fantasy falls in ruinous turns further down the line, like star crossed lovers doomed to perish within days of meeting. Thus the sinusoidal experience of hills and valleys, ever repeating until the moment of Euler's appearance changing the consistency of repetition to the slow diminished capacity of the curve's oscillations. A void such as this, where ground is covered under the frequency throughout the inherit time of love's movements, must be filled with something. A new graph of love, a new existence of oscillation, a new sinusoidal pattern of rise and fall in equal measure. We have all felt it. We all know of its curses and blessings. The only remaining factor is what to place in the depended variable to create a viable solution to the desires and aspirations of one's heart?