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J Hart F

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Obsessively Repressing Love

Oceans Within

Eva beckoned to the bird shyly: "Come here. I'm not going to hurt you."

To her relief it didn't take flight, but it moved no closer. Its dark eyes contrasted beautifully with its white body and yellow beak. Cautiously, the bird regarded Eva, cocking its head this way and that. She felt it assessing her on quiet levels unknown to most of the human spirit, but she felt that judgment move over her posture and tone.

"It's ok. Shh-shh-shh-" she whispered

And the bird took flight. It flew directly towards the quarter moon hanging over the horizon.

Eva sighed. "Oh well." Turning back to the waves crashing upon the beach Eva waited, like she always did; but this time she waited for a different reason all together. She waited for something she didn't want, something more fearsome than the pain she felt.

A large wave crashed against the outlying rocks, filling the air with white droplets which were immediately carried into the wind. Eva watched, content at being alone, locked away from the world on a secluded beach.

The secluded beach she had brought Nikkie to back when Nikkie was hers. When Nikkie was herself. Eva didn't know when that had officially changed, but the change was thorough and deep. It hurt more than Eva was willing to admit, and therefore shoved those emotions away without a second thought. She secluded herself, much as the beach before her. The sand rumbled with the crash of a new wave.

Blue skies stretched out as the noonday sun shown down upon the scene: Eva with her long dark hair flowing in seductive curls and lilting on the sea breeze, golden brown sand under her feet glinting in the rays of light, and a figure strolling down the rocky path which broke the existence of the haven away from the rest of the world. The sound of flip-flops against the stones alerted Eva to someone's approach and she turned to see who it was.

And froze.

Shock was overcome by anger and the sudden urge to well up with tears. Her face felt hotter than normal, her shoulders tensed and started to climb up towards her ears, and her legs started shivering with the distinct desire to run. Taking a deep breath, she calmed herself down and looked back to the ocean. It seemed to have calmed as well, smoothing over its surface to provide a view of gentle rolling waves with small crashes against anything. Likewise, the breeze stopped.

Nikkie sat down next to Eva, the smell of her perfume, sweet and innocent, lifted off her bare shoulders to Eva's nose. As soon as she smelled it, she couldn't help but saying, "I don't want to talk to you."

"I know."

They sat there quietly, the distance between them visually inaccurate. Both minds were out over the ocean on different islands: Eva's a fortified barracks ready to lay siege to any culprit landing on its shores, Nikkie's an inviting wasteland where she stood solely under a large tree. The subsequent ocean between them rolled with icy vehemence. Some minutes passed before Nikkie turned her body toward Eva to break the silence.

"Listen... What happened --"

"I don't want to talk to you."

"I know that. But I have to..." Nikkie choked on her words. "I have to explain. Because I can't close my eyes. I can't stomach the nutrients of life. Because I'm empty now, and I don't understand."

Eva kept her gaze over the peaceful ocean. "That doesn't change anything." Her own stomach felt ready to empty itself.

A breeze picked up from behind them, blowing Eva's long hair around her face and thus forcing her to push the tendrils out of her eyes. At the same moment her hands touched her hair, a large wave crashed against the rocks and rolled over the sands. Tears welled in her eyes, and she turned to look at Nikkie.

Nikkie's red rimmed eyes were dark around the edges. Her short blond hair was disheveled and her makeup hadn't been applied in days it appeared. Her skin was especially pale and reflected a lot of the sunshine. She was still beautiful and it pained Eva to even look at her.

"Will you let me--?" Nikkie left the end of the phrase upon her chapped lips.

Looking back to the ocean Eva waited. "Fine..."

The feeling of gratitude and relief spread over the beach. Several gulls called from the sky as they flew overhead. A cloud started to coalesce over the shore, moving eastward towards the mountains beyond the city. An electricity filled the air and Eva became overly in tune with her surroundings. This feeling surged through her like a tidal force pulling towards the moon just setting on the horizon to the west.

"I give myself no excuses for what I did. That's selfish of me and I know it doesn't solve anything." Her voice was strained. "I'm truly sorry."

Eva said nothing.

"You can't trust me, I know that. I'm not entirely sure I can trust myself, given my track record..."

"This has happened before?" Eva asked under her breath. Her feelings amounted to a crashing point and her tears fell to the rock on which she sat.

Nikkie nodded, taking her eyes off Eva to keep her strength as she continued to talk. "You were the previous time... and before that, it happened once."


"Yeah... At the party back in February." She sighed. "I want to explain everything to you, but I don't know if I can honestly divulge what's in my soul."

The soft hiss of the ocean silenced Eva.

"But that's what I came here to do. So I must...

"You see, I've always had a different understanding of love and commitment than modern society has prescribed to us." She corrected herself quickly, before Eva could comment. "Well... not us in our relationship... but us as a society." She breathed out heavily. "I see moments as lifetimes, you know that. And the moment with her was a lifetime of experienced for one night and it felt right and placed before me as a lesson to learn. I never foresaw it destroying us."

"It did," whispered Eva.

"I know, and I'm sorry." Nikkie looked up at Eva and begged, in her soul, for Eva to look at her. The overpowering energy pulled Eva's face and eyes to Nikkie's. The lapping of the ocean cooled the air slightly as a breeze drifted up the shore. "I love you. I know you still love me, but I know I've hurt you too much to be with me anymore."

Eva looked into her eyes, still crying and finding it harder to breath.

"I'm not here to convince you of anything. I'm not trying to have you understand my perspective to life experiences... I just wanted to explain myself a little better and hope you might forgive me now so you won't be hurt for very long. I want you to be able to move on with your life and find love, knowing that I'm an anomaly when it comes to contemporary relationships."

Eva's throat closed a little. Her breathing began to stop for seconds on end as the silence continued. Finally, the breaking point was reached and she could not longer hold back the downward pull of gravity and necessity. "You betrayed everything about what I expect from relationships. You knew what I wanted in a relationship, and you neglected that because you have your own view of life?!?! What kind of person does that. We were only together for eight months, but I loved you... And yes, I can't deny that I still love you, but it HURTS too much! It hurts..." She couldn't speak for a second.

The ocean pulled at Eva and she turned her head and saw the beautiful reflection of the sun dancing on the crests of the waves slowly washing ashore. It was peaceful and fulfilling. She couldn't deny the beauty of this place, or the logic behind Nikkie's open words. "I forgive you." The tears fell harder, but they were relieving tears that felt cool and light. "Only because we don't see things the same way... and because I love you." Eva dropped her head.

"I'm sorry I did this to you, Eva."

"Thank you."

Nikkie stood up and wiped her eyes dry. Lingering for just a moment, her shadow suddenly moved off back toward the trail that led down to the private beach few knew about. Eva sat there, keeping to herself as Nikkie walked away. Her heart still hurt, but the waves of sorrow were abating as the moon drifted below the horizon.


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