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You have entered the realm of my mind where words play with the fabric of our existence. This is the map of my imagination: the very foundations of inspiration, musing, and thought splayed for your wandering eyes. Dive deep into the tides of these forces and experience my reality, my fantasy, my world; and if you should be so inclined, share your words with this land.

Peace and Love!

J Hart F

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Days and Nights Alone

I feel alone...

Yet, I know this very statement is inaccurate. I am an integral part of a large network of friends and family whose whims shift in minuscule moments in order to accommodate the ones they love and ensure secured levels of happiness. By saying "I feel alone" doesn't mean I am unhappy in anyway... necessarily. There are moments when being alone, feeling alone, and acting alone is part of a joyous instance where my ambitions are the only concern in my life. Reality usually disturbs these blissful junctures. Furthermore, the feeling of loneliness surpasses the earthly experience and penetrates deep into my spiritual and ethereal existence. I know this is absurd because the Powers that Be are ever with us. I have felt a guiding hand, and I feel its presence is constantly providing examples of the path I am currently traveling. As of right  now... Three specific instances surfaced within the past two days with such clarity and poignant relevance that I truly understand the conditions the Powers that Be work within.

This has undoubtedly led me to examine where my loneliness comes from. It is not the house I've been in for the past week, with its dark corners and quiet whispers tantalizing my senses and shifting my schedule on many different levels. It's not due to the holidays because I have plenty of friends and family to surround me. It certainly isn't the lack of relationship, though the slight amount of time is unfortunately making it harder to solidify emotions.

My loneliness comes from revelations about my identity. Very few people even know about these ideas I'm struggling with. They are concepts encircling personality, heritage, ambitions, and desires. Basically, these ideas are about who I am, where I come from, who and what I want to be, and what I truly desire. I feel like every portion discussed herein has shifted on some level; therefore making me a different person than I was a few months ago. I can even pinpoint the defining moment which started the transference. It happened during an emotional discussion about ethnicity where I realized I am a highly specialized demographic which is neglected because it doesn't fit into the stereotypical ideology of the Hispanic culture, which has a multifaceted array of subcultures. Identity shifts seem to have the staggering effect of making someone feel alone.

I know I'm not alone, but this doesn't address my internal struggle. I'm fighting to be me. I'm fighting to be who I was. I'm admitting that I'm not who I thought I was, and seeing that I'm not on the path to where I thought I would be. I feel selfish. I feel insecure (which is an oddity). I lack motivation to change and fear remaining in the comfort of an outdated identity. Thus I write.

Perhaps the time has truly come for me to find the Road that goes ever on and on, and leave this door behind. Seek mountains. Find the beauty of life again from within myself. What's the worse that could happen? I'd end up back where I started? I'm already there...

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